Or What, Cleveland?
Apparently LeBron James announced the other day that he will leave the Cleveland Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat. Apparently this is a big deal.
I guess I can understand it. It’s kind of like a person being a part of one street gang, and then going to join a different street gang. NBA teams are pretty much the same as street gangs as far as I can tell. You can think of them as advanced street gangs. When you are a young man growing up in the inner city, the gangs recruit you this way: “Sure, for now you will have to wear Oakland Raiders clothing and hold this handgun sideways when you kill people. But, you know we are like the farm league for the Indiana Pacers. Someday you could be an NBA star if you just work your way up the ladder.”
Anyway, one of the leaders of the Cleveland gang had his feelings really and truly hurt by all of this so he wrote a letter to make himself feel better. Now everyone is making fun of his letter because it uses the Comic Sans font. I never use Comic Sans, but I guess I missed the memo that says, “Do not use this font. Ever.”
So I’m not going to make fun of that dude for using Comic Sans. I’m also not going to make fun of him for an entire letter comprised of paragraphs which almost without exception have only a single sentence in them. I’m also not going to make fun of him for not knowing how to use capitalization or punctuation or quotation marks. No sir. I am not that kind of person. Instead, I’m going to make fun of him for a completely different reason.
Here is a direct quote from his letter. Note that, since this is one of the places he (ab)used quotation marks, I also have to quote the quotation marks, so this will seem a little weird.
““I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”“
Hmm. Interesting. And also, how exactly does he plan to do this? I mean, since he doesn’t actually play the games. And also, he says he personally guarantees it; or what? What happens if a team LeBron plays for actually wins a championship before Cleveland? Usually, a guarantee comes with an “or” clause, e.g. “or your money back,” “or I will eat my hat”, “or I will write another letter in Comic Sans with poor punctuation and post it on the internet.”
I also don’t understand the “self-titled former ‘king’” phrasing. Is he saying that LeBron himself refers to his own self as “the former king”? Because otherwise, doesn’t it seem weird to claim that LeBron gave himself the “king” title, and yet this guy is going to claim that he doesn’t have that title anymore? Or maybe he doesn’t understand what “self-titled” means.
Of course, if you read further in the letter, you will see this:
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.
I fail to see what this has to do with anything. But it definitely discredits the entire letter. As everyone knows, Moses was taken directly into heaven without dying first. So apparently, sometimes it actually does work that way.
